You

You aren't fair. I give so much. I am so free with you, I never hold back anything. The last two times I rambled to you, you never responded. Thanks for that. You know exactly how to hurt me. Fine, maybe you are too busy. But you know I wouldn't care if you responded hours later. But you didn't. You know I sleep better when you tell me good night, I love you. Yet, you do it randomly- when you feel like it's okay. It's okay to every night because it helps me. Last night when you just told me good night, I was thinking well maybe he wants me to say it first this time again, but then I didn't get that vibe from you. Because I thought you aren't my boyfriend nor my lover. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to tell me you love me just so I can fall asleep faster. And then I got this sinking from my flying heart, the one that you give wings to. Like it fell a little in its soaring height. Is this your plan? Telling me things, talking a certain way, just so we can fall to another level? A level you are comfortable with? I want to tell you FUCK YOU. Because sometimes you can be a real dick. But I always forgive you because I love you so. I don't want to go backwards. I want you to tell me you love me, because I know the ways you do. I don't make anything more out of those words, than what you put behind them. I imagine what we could be, but I don't imagine what isn't there. I don't know, maybe you act like this still because you want to make sure I can still handle you. You aren't as much as you think you are, not a lot to handle at all. And even if you were, you know I would just because that's how I am with you. Only you. It pisses me off how you can just piss this away, piss me away. You know what, I think it is you that causes some of my ache. And you know already know that I don't care. Because you are my favorite type of pain. My guilty pride. I'm getting better, at controlling my love for you. But if you are expecting that I will love you just as a friend, you are never going to get that. You aren't a friend of mine. You were my beginning. You are...my anchor. The one that really keeps me here. I am trying to find someone who wants to hold my strings and no one seems to want that because every time I start to be myself, the one I am with you, they get confused and they get hurt and they don't know how to toughen it out. They don't understand. They don't want. So you are stuck holding them. And it's not my fault. Sometimes I get the feeling you are reluctant to let my strings go, because you won't know where I'll end up and you're scared for me. Other times I get the feeling you just want me to let you go, let you go completely so you won't have to handle me anymore. But goddammit. You're the only one that knows how to. Perfectly. "I want you, just exactly how I used to. Because baby this is only bring me down." I get the feeling, that you are fading from me. Yet, sometimes, you will shine so fucking bright it seems silly of me to think you would leave. But you can, you should. Because I know you want to. I know you need me in your life, because you are too stubborn to see the obvious things, the important ones. The ones I point out that you have to act on. The ones you are being stupid about. I guess I put you in your place sometimes. But I don't want that to be the only reason you need me.

I day dream about you. You've heard of one of them. I dream of you, all the fucking time almost every night. Most of the time, I can only remember one small part, two if I am lucky. A whole scene if it's a blue moon. I wish I could remember the dreams, because it's the only time I get to be with you. I could tell you i love you, every minute of the day and it still wouldn't feel as if I have told you enough. And you would get so tired of it.

In the future( way way way into the future), I think it will come down to me saying "I'm done. I am done waiting around for you." And you know what I think will happen? I think you will melt into the life you molded, because really, how deep is the indention that I am? I think you will think I am hurting but that I will get over it over time. I think you will think that I might do crazy stupid shit, and then gain myself over so long of time. And you won't come back. There wouldn't be anymore of my ramblings and there wouldn't be anymore of my wack random pictures. There would be nothing, only because you were once my everything.But you know what I would want to happen? What I would be begging for, waiting for(how ironic that I would tell you I'm done waiting when waiting is all I'll ever be doing) you to come and knock on my door, to text me, to call me, to ambush me with telling me no you can't leave because you need me, you love me. It wouldn't have to be "I want you forever". But it would have to be "I need you in my life forever."

You know, you know you know you always know you already know, that I will be here, until the end of me. You just know. Because no matter how hard we wish it weren't so, it's your name that my heart pumps its beat to. It's your name that is engraved into these walls of this skull. Time has done that, what we went through done that. Because you were there, and you weren't and then you were there again and it's just been a carousel of a ride. Round and Round. with the stupid dizzying music playing in the background. You won't read this. Because you don't check my shit, my blog, or my tumblr. I bet you just check my myspace once everything 3 months. Just when you have time to kill. And you never do. You're always on the move, always somewhere different with someone else. You don't check the places I write my things on, everyday. I wish you would. It would be so much easier. Because that shows me you care as much as you say you do. Because this is where I ramble about you and you always want to know what I am thinking and how I am coping with this life of mine. Or do you? You say you do. If only you saw how much I write about you, you would see nothing in me for you, has changed. Because it can't. You're a scar that just won't heal because...god I don't even know. I don't know why I can't just jump your boat and swim somewhere else. I don't know why I can't let you go. I've tried and I've tried so hard. If you think I haven't, then fuck you. Because you're a dumbshit if you think I enjoy sitting here daily, my thoughts tumbling over your name. Everything fucking thought is disturbed by the wake of you. By the wake of these heartbeats that reverberate your name. And I don't know why it still to this day does. I have been hurt so much by you, but I think it's because you helped me smooth out all my other scars. This has been rambling too long. Until next ramble.