Ramblings #2

*blowsoff keyboard, dusts off screen* wow, it's been a little while since I have posted something worth a while. This post doesn't change that fact. This winter break, my thoughts altered yet again. My dad asked me where I am going to school, if I am still going to try to go where my cousin is. I said no, just to the schools around her. I want her to go to Standford. That's both one of our dream locations. California<3 He asked me what I want to study, Philosophy I said. Scholarships won't pay for that. And I won't make money. How about business? No, I won't stay in school for that. No motivation. Josh said, do what I love he will support me. I said what If my dad is right, what if I am poor and homeless? He said I could be a teacher or a college professor and I will never be homeless. I told him I don't want to come back here, to Oklahoma. He said why. I said because I can't I won't be able to. It's because I can't seem to fit into any of the lifestyles that are here. I can't seem to have my roots in this soil, it's not comfortable. I mean I could, but my roots will be resistant and fidgety settling here. No one has a pull that I need. I want to leave here and fall in love. Lose myself. Josh says either I won't be able to leave because I am too attached to Jennah or I will come back for her. She is practically my kid. I raised her the first four years of her life, my mom won't admit it. Those were HER bad years, not my dad's. Jennah needed me, and I needed something to occupy my adult mind in my child body. It's weird, knowing I once raised my sister. That's the reason I won't able able to bring myself back once I leave, I won't be able to leave my sister and mom and everyone else behind again. William and Justina want me to stay after I graduate. Justina wants me to take her away once she graduates. I don't want to be that person for her, her escape. I want to act my escape out, on my own. I need to leave, I wrote a ten paged goodbye letter. Explaining where I will be, why I don't want anyone following me. It will be laying on my fireplace mantle in the summer of 2011 without me laying in my bed upstairs. The thing is, where will I go after? I want to just drive drive drive, find somewhere that makes my stomach flutter. See what happens with the butterflies. I want to settle in a city and work a cliche job, like at a coffee shop, or a bookstore, or a diner and make my simple small paychecks, smoke and write when I am not working. Live in a small apartment, with windows, and a balcony. But I have no money to get away in the first place. I need to start saving, saving anything I get. So I will be able to make this dream my reality. I don't want to lose this dream, it's what makes me who I am, how I all started out. I can't allow myself to stay a moment longer than necessary. I need that kind of realism to wake me up once again, to take a situation by the horns and see how much I can shake out before I become weak from using so much energy. I decided after winter break I am going to quit smoking until summer. It is becoming boring and a chore. I need to dust off my brain. I am forgetting things I would like to remember. Time does funny things. Another year is turning, like a giant beast slurring in his listless sleep. I miss my insomniac nights and my never ending thoughts. I miss the whir in my head and the pitter of my soft thoughts. These ramblings were first let out to Josh and Courtney, then I needed someone else to read these words. So it's like a strand of scarves a magician pulls out of his sleeve that doesn't end until such a long long time. This strand has run out of length though. So I am done, for now.