Dear Diary,

So I did not go to school today. I stayed up until 3 because my insomnia kicked in because I ran out of weed. I hardly ate yesterday because I can never eat while I'm sober. I constantly feel sick when I'm sober. Yeah, Alia's cool. Not. Anyways. Lets rewind two weeks ago. I can't remember time and everything but I do know it was over the course of 2 weeks. So, let us take a journey. Daxton came over to my house and we smoked and smoked and smoked. And we went to Taco Bell and ate. And he kissed me. Twice. I didn't feel shit. I mean I kissed back because I wanted to be kissed because it's been too damn long. Anyways--He had this weird tweak whenever he was a little sobered up. If he had his head bent down, whenever he put his head back up he would like flip his hair out of his eyes. But here's the thing: He had short ass fucking hair. Like normal boys have. There was never ever a time when his short ass hair was in his eyes. He was so feminine at times, he could have been gay. He talked really odd. But it was the hair flip thing that really bothered me. Towards the end of that week I really started to miss Michael & Josh & Daxton. I would start crying randomly and then suddenly stop. My heart was all achy for Michael and I was missing his touch. At school, one boy caught my eye. He has that cute ass scene boy hair I love and he has his septum pierced and has snake bites. *drools* I am a fucking sucker for scene/hippy boys. I ended up missing Michael really really bad so I texted his mom. I ended up getting his house phone number and calling him. You already know where this ended up: we got back together. I had to call Daxton and tell him. I told him that he shouldn't stop talking to me and he said okay and hung up. He texted me right after and said "yeah I lied. I will probably stop talking to you." Well geeze, go figure. But still! I told him when he kissed me I didn't feel anything, that we were too compatible and I saw that he would end up hurting me. Then he goes psycho and says that's retarded and that I don't know what I want and that I have a juvenile mindset. Wtf? Really? Wow. Then once I didn't reply to his psychicing out, he texts me saying "don't feel bad or sad though. I am just mad that you didn't go according to plan. You're right; I would have ended up hurting you." And that was the end of Daxton. It was that hair flip thing that really got to me, that really was like Alia, he is a no. So last weekend, I get to see Michael. Me and Morgan go with him to the mall (along with his mom and his older brother) on Friday. I was higher than a mother fucking kite, so I was annoying his older brother who really didn't understand I am like a newborn pothead. I talk my head off and I laugh at everything. But Michael and Mama Bear (what I call his mom) understood so they weren't that mad...at least I think. Anyways, we end up going to Jerimiah's. It's Michael's best friend and that's usually the place where I went to get fucked upp. All afternoon was grand because everyone was smoking and having a good time. Then evening time rolls around. And all hell breaks loose. They end up buying a bottle of Bacardi (some kind of rum) and Michael ends up getting a Xanax. He is pissed one minute and depressed the next. He keeps pulling me to the side and "wanting to talk" but I am really the one doing the talking because he can't get what he wants to say out. I take a shot of Bacardi because I never tried it and I end up puking. Twice. Oh how joyful THAT was. I end up asking him what does he want to do with his life? He said he wants a family and be successful and actually have a life. I told him that doesn't sound appealing to me, that I have a different definition of Life than he does. And he freaks and says then I guess this isn't going to work then. I was so tired of dealing with his bullshit all night so I said no I guess not. So I tell Jerimiah let's go because it is way past the time I should be home. My mom wasn't there, she was out bar hopping because that's the stage she is in now and Hummed and Jennah were left alone at home. Jerimiah is all kinds of wasted so I say let's wait a while. Him and his girlfriend start fighting because she doesn't want him driving at all unless she goes with him. He doesn't weant her to go because there is only room for three people. He ends up ripping a fucking door off it's hinges and has another door hanging off one hinge. Michael has to end up holding him back. Me and Morgan go wait out in the truck. Michael comes out three times to "talk to me one last time." I told him I can't be around this kind of environment anymore. It was okay six months ago when it was normal for me to be fucking around, screwing up getting shitfaced and dumb. But now I can't because that's not what I am anymore. I changed, I evolved. It wasn't appealing anymore. If I stayed around all that, I would end up killing myself. And that was the truth because I am a manic depressive. He said he wasn't going to be around that kind of shit anymore. That he was going to leave it all behind, everyone behind. I asked if he wanted me to stick by him and he said yes. I was like No, I can't be that person for you. I can't be that ONE who was there for everything. You have to learn to stand on your own. When you do that come talk to me. And he was like BUT I LOVE YOU and I said sometimes that's just not enough. He ends up going biserk. Yelling, screaming outside. Hitting shit. And me and Morgan were like Yeah, you are totally helping your case. Jerimiah ends up coming out to the truck and forgot his cigarettes so he had to go look for them. It ends up taking him a million years so I told Morgan wait here, Ima go find him. I find Jerimiah and tell him he can buy cigarettes at the 7 eleven by my house and that sounded fine enough to him. We start walking out and Michael has his head down and he was like dude, just tell her I love her. Jerimiah shakes his head and pats Michael on the shoulder and we walk out. I never had a problem with Jerimiah and I wasn't scared of him driving or anything, even with the door issue. So me, him and Morgan drive in silence to my house and it was okay. No one wanted to talk, no one had to say anything. When we were around my house I told Jerimiah what I told Michael. I couldn't be around anymore, I'd end up killing myself. And he totally understood. That's the thing, I am going to miss that guy. He was a good friend of mine even though were barely knew each other. Me and Morgan go inside, and just crash. Well she does. Josh ends up IMing me, and I tell him everything. Michael calls me twice. The first time he was like have you seen my necklace and I told him I saw it on Jerimiah last and we hang up. Then 10 minutes later, I say good night to Josh and Michael calls me again. He said he was calling because he had no one to talk to because everyone was asleep. I told him I was just turning over to sleep and he said oh okay and I hung up. I turned my phone on silent and eat dream dust. Saturday morning we end up waking up hella early. As in 9:30. We were like FUCK! What's wrong with us. I check my phone and I had two miss calls. Guess from who? Yes, Michael. I listen to the voice mail he left me (at 5:20 am) and he tells me his mom was in a car wreck and he needed someone to talk to and if I could call him back. I didn't believe it so I didn't call him back. Even if she really was, he needed to deal with that on his own. What I was trying to tell him all the night before. We walk to 7 eleven and go get coffee. Guess who we see at a stoplight? Yes, Michael in his mom's van with his MOM driving. (remember the voice mail he left me?). His mom honks and I think it's the car next to them (I still haven't noticed them) and then Michael yells out his window "go to your house" and I finally noticed them. I was like fuck! and my tummy went all pschitzo. They drive to my house and once I get there, I don't even go up to their car. I yell "I'll be back" and go inside. I come back out with his hat, necklace and his gauge and hand it over. He gives me my hat. Then he gets in the car and I was like "Bye Mama Bear." and she said bye and they drive off. My life is amazing, isn't it?