Unspeakable Bonds, Spanish Skies

Love is an endless ocean. I am a creature from the depths of hell's black seas. Josh's love harbors my being. The yucky beautiful grotesque being I am. I've dirtied him up, made me feel guilty so I began to search for the tiny amounts of other love puddles, drawing them nearer by making them grow. Soon it is close enough where I can reach out a little, dip in a limb. I'll let it soak, pollute it a little. Then see how the water levels and chemical balances check. Make my observations and see if it dries up. All of those little puddles and pools have dried up. So I am stuck in this harbor, rusting as I rot. This skeleton is too small for my being. Josh was big enough to anchor it. Like I was a balloon angel. His legs started to shake from the effort and then quake and then soon collapse. I flew away and he crumbled. I wasn't there to see, so I had no idea. I don't know what caused me and him to fight all those months ago, and not speak to each other. It was agony, torture. I missed him so much, I forgot about everything. Even the cause. I don't remember this time of year, a year ago; wait was it two years ago? My time perception is so off, I cannot recall. I want to have the courage to leave him. Because he wants to leave, he just won't because of the guilt. But I am so weak, so frail and withered. I want to leave him because he hurts. He hurts that I hurt. And I am in constant hurt.

But the thought of me needing him is grand. If I left josh now, I see it from his point "she told me I didn't have to speak for a while, and then she said she was on the verge of figuring it all out and then she disappeared" and really that's what would happen. That or the real deal: death. He helped me create this mutant blood that runs through these veins. He molded me. I was the artist of final touches. Without him, my heart would drive my head insane. I would end up writing my last love letter in my own red ink. (I have probably writing him over 60 love notes; he's gotten bits and pieces of it. But never all of them) I can go a day or two without talking to him. But understand this: it is so fucking hard to ignore the deep agitating banging in my skull, the want of conversation. A simple conversation. It's so hard to ignore those random thoughts that he would enjoy knowing. It's so hard to let go because I can't stop hoping for the impossible to happen. I always want what I can't have. That's why I still love him as much as I do. He is a habit. And he is the habit I can't break. The habit I don’t want to break.

Guilty nicotine high with a rubbish mood. A year and a handful of months and I am forever gone. I will run run and run, until there is nothing left of me but dusty memories. I want to see who cares enough to chase after me. I don't know what to do about the Donnie situation. I'm so tired of feeling like an awkward fairy and a weirdo alien and a freak crackhead when I speak to him. I am feeling loneliness for William. I'm also feeling afraid, of just losing Josh. I put so much delicacy in my words that they almost become too fragile for someone else to know and bear the feather light weight of them. I am caught up in the tangles of life. I'm choking because I'm claustrophobic.

I want to ask anyone at all, preferably Courtney (I also want to ask William. But he is too afraid), to catch me in their fingers, cup their hands and then intertwine their fingers so I won't get loose. Then when we both know I'm ready, morphed enough to fit in my morphed body, I'll get myself back. Fully caged in my bird's cage. Fluttering about. Comfortably fit able. Because that's how fruggle I am. Because that how much life and society crumbles. And I get all crumbly inside too. Crumbling so much I feel like a gram cracker smushed up inside a preschooler’s lunch. Or like their peanut butter jelly sandwich. Where the bread has gotten all soggy, and some parts are bleeding all over the suffocating bag. And I just am squished in every emotion and I am trying to find a way out of the suffocating bag we call life. And that's what hurts me though. Being suffocated and not being able to catch my breath. I'm stuck behind this see through layer. Watching this pitiful life go by.