Just my Friday Night was. And it was totally worth getting grounded for.
Let us go back in time;
So--I went to some lame ass party (this is why I don't like parties) in some lame ass city and had a shot of barcardi (don't worry it wasnt captain morgan this time) and smoked a bunch. There was under 10 people at this party, and Pepe the host was very quiet. I went with Donnie, Alex( a dude) and shadow.
We bounced at 11:45 because I had to get home and it just really wasnt worth it.
Whilst at the "party", I recieve a phone call from William. This is the boy whom I have had my eye on since the first day of school. (We have hung out before, maybe 3 or 4 times) He said to call him when I get home.
So at midnight, when my mom left for her bar hopping, I called William. Hummed was out with Jacob, and Jennah was asleep. And William decided to hang out with me until his friend's stripper mom picked him up to take him to Mustang. He was asking me all night to go with him. Which I couldn't, I had to stay there with the stupid sleeping 9 year old.
Around 3 a.m. when his friend's mom never mpicked him up he calls his friend. Over and over and over. And the dude never picks up. Finally he calls the stripper mom and she tells William that her son fell asleep. So William is like what the fuck am I going to do and I'm like shit if I know. Because he couldn't go home at 3 in the morning, because his mom knew he was going to Mustang, but she found out he smokes so it was all this drama at his house. Anyways- I was just like "stay here."
So he did, We fell asleep in my bed.
Around 5- my brother and my mom bust in my room and are like uhhh what's he doing here. And I was like he needs a place to stay and then tried falling back asleep. Then my mom goes bitch psycho and calls me into my brother's room and says I need to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. So I departed from William and my warm bed.
Around 9:45 I woke up and went back upstairs.
When I opened the door, his smile, it was mine. It was for me and I was the reason. He said, thank god-- I was just about to go down there and get you. It was gay being in here alone.
And that's how I know I gotta take it slow with him. Because he is almost there, just not yet.
He ended up stealing yet another thing of mine (first it was my silver bracelet and now it's my friends black and white hoodie. I am putting my money on that my heart is next. Or maybe that was the first thing he stole.) and I ended up getting his hoodie in return. I walked him back to his house (which is just about as far as my school). Right when we settle down to a movie, my mother texts me to tell me to come home
.
BOOOO. Something would have happened if I stayed. Probably me pouring my guts out.
He walked me half way home and then that was the last I saw of him.
I was for real grounded when I got home up until last night when I had to pick up something ;) Also, I had three deep and heavy conversations with Courtney( my bff who lives in Hawaii and whom I have never met), Josh(the first, the only love), and Donnie(the second Josh to me). Things are just settling. I don't know whether with Josh and Donnie if it's the calm before or after the storm. So we will just wait it out and see.
Anyways, that was my weekend. It was all worth it for that one smile. I would do it all over again, just to see that smile.
Goodbye for now.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Even though it hurts, You're my favorite pain.
The creaking of the floorboards, give way to my light footsteps. The sighing of the door, squeaks out it's worry. The staircase eases under my weight, and I cringe thinking someone must wake. But no one does. I join the insomniac ghost as my thoughts start to turn. The flicker of my lighter singes the air with fragility. Time, how it rules lives. It tries the grease my life so I'll fly through it quick. But I am already too slick. I get to watch how the bells make the animals skitter, how watches brand the wearer. My bare skin alters every day so quickly, that I barely have the time to notice. I need to fall in love. Where my every thought consists of something else other than him. I want someone's thoughts to occur in the wake of my name. I want to feel the fire of one's touch, and the coolness of their absence. My faith in others is starting to break, who must I try to keep. Who must I throw away. How easy it is for me to dismiss people yet miss their features when I am alone. Already one lone boy can look at me and my stomach quakes. Horse shoes would weigh me down instead of letting my fly. My heart is an absent lover, one whose beats I took for granted. It's those shadows in the dark, those creases in the night, those that make you doubt what's there and what is not. Maybe it's those rusty good-byes that always flake away to reveal a shining hello. Or maybe it's those imaginary smiles that kiss these leaking eyes. A valley in the center of my chest pulses an alive symbol. Thump thump bump, never speak of how I tremble. Pump pump blood, light my insides up with kerosene. Glimmer like a slick newborn struggling to breathe, aren't you just the same? My sloppy tongue will tell a tale of broken remedies and a haunted city. Sleep does not come easy for a restless soul. Nightmares are the thoughts and the daydreams are the samples. What counts? Surely not I, as much as I fail to notice. A sugary high, more like hokus pokus. Rambles, rable, ramblings let me taint your mind. Grab a handful of fevers, throw them to the seas. Run far far away, you've done enough good deeds. These words, you mean these that I strung together like a pearly necklace, these ones? They will all turn to sand, all turn to stone, all turn to dust, all turn to ash. Like the memories in your head, like your brain in a century. This is all for nothing, but to you it's everything.
Crown Me Your Queen
Just like a child that has tied a letter to a balloon and let it fly to the moon, I let my heart out of its cage. I let it flutter to whoever it may see fit, and I can feel it as it grazes their own. Why is it so wrong for me to chain myself to you? Because it's too right for you. I walk with slight caution, like the ground beneath will swallow me whole. This life was never mine, it is whomever wants it. I'll kick and claw and sink my teeth into random people, but spit out their bitter skin because it tastes nothing like your sweet lies. My fumbling tongue fails to ensure any pleasure that I might be able to endure. My electric heart pumps at a rate that is too dangerous to ignore. Listen to my hundred and one secrets: give into this round about game. Speak my name into the crisp night air while laying in that lonely bed of yours. I must stop; but that would mean to die. I swore, I cursed, I cried your name. This slight probability projects a city made of water in my eyes. Candle light splinters the heavy cracked glass. Go gloat in your pity, wallow in doubt. I'm tired of waiting and my voice is too weak to shout. I'm still here I'm still here, god damn it just burry me with it. Might as well when every word you speak is a salt covered bullet.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
OHMYGOD
so I am sitting in my brother's room, on the computer listening to music and looking at pictures on weheartit.com
he is making my laugh so hard. he forced himself under his bed. Now, he is saying help me help me trying to get me to pay attention to him. I said quit acting like a two year old and it has been 5 minutes later and he is still saying help me help me.
Then he throws his blanket over his face and he was like help I can't breathe. and I started to laugh and laugh.
and am still laughing as i write this.
and now he is saying lift up the bed before i slap a hoe. and now he just got a belt.
I took it away.
And now he is threatening to swallow his gum container so that he'll suffocate. Lmfao, goodbye for now.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Morning Disgrace
I'll stretch behind me
but yank my hand back
because I remember
no one is there
not him, not you
So I'll curl my knees to my chest
and just lay there
listening to the silence
and my lone breathing
moments will pass
and then I'll unfurl myself
I'll pop all my bones
and rub my eyes
crawl across the floor
and load a bowl
I'll inhale so deep, my morning thoughts of you
relax, like a beehive getting smoked
they stop buzzing
they turn to a low hum
I'll exhale and then it's quiet up in my head
like a november dawn
so then I am truly alone.
Just Like This
and just like that you melt away from me
it's like I'm shedding extra skin;
and it hurts.
I'm cold but I keep flaking away
just so you can have your way
because I'm not needed anymore
and darling that's just fine
just like it's fine that I keep lying to you
saying that I know you aren't for me
just like it's fine that I think you keep lying to me,
telling me I'm not it for you
just like it's fine that I know you aren't
that you'll be fine without me
just like it's fine that I'm ignoring this creaking heart
my quaking hands
just like it's fine that I'm making myself not need you,
not want you
just like it's fine that I blame myself
and time for making us wither
just like it's fine memories of you
bring more pain than the you of today
just like it's fine that we don't talk anymore
because I feel like a burden when I let my fingers fly
Friday, November 6, 2009
Well;
I have actually been writting odd little poems lately. I don't want to put all of them up here now. That way, when I have writer's block, I can still posts some old ones up and still feel conductive.
I shall post two today though(:
The Poem of Art Class
The fading traffic lights
the spur of now.
Rest your sleepy head
on this destroyed chest of mine.
The blur of my chaotic tongue
recedes into a fuzzy picture.
As your impaitent eyes
finally shut the shutters,
and your breathing slows
into a peaceful pace
I steal glances
and sigh contemptment.
Sweet smelling smoke
and the clenching of my lungs
arouse your senses
and you stir in dreamland.
The stretching black tar
continues to filthy up my insides.
Dawn will break in the middle of the horizon
and the moon will still adorn the sky.
A butterfly caress is all it takes
for you to clumsily wake
to the new now.
No Take Backs
give me back my weeping heart
it will now be my burden to bear
you're tired of me and my desperate ways
go ahead and leave if you're too tired to stay
because quite frankly, i'm tired of it being yours
give it back to me, place it in my broken chest
please, let the last thing i feel be your gental touch
you don't have to be the last one standing
because darling dear
everyone else has already fallen
That is all.
For now.
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