You

You aren't fair. I give so much. I am so free with you, I never hold back anything. The last two times I rambled to you, you never responded. Thanks for that. You know exactly how to hurt me. Fine, maybe you are too busy. But you know I wouldn't care if you responded hours later. But you didn't. You know I sleep better when you tell me good night, I love you. Yet, you do it randomly- when you feel like it's okay. It's okay to every night because it helps me. Last night when you just told me good night, I was thinking well maybe he wants me to say it first this time again, but then I didn't get that vibe from you. Because I thought you aren't my boyfriend nor my lover. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to tell me you love me just so I can fall asleep faster. And then I got this sinking from my flying heart, the one that you give wings to. Like it fell a little in its soaring height. Is this your plan? Telling me things, talking a certain way, just so we can fall to another level? A level you are comfortable with? I want to tell you FUCK YOU. Because sometimes you can be a real dick. But I always forgive you because I love you so. I don't want to go backwards. I want you to tell me you love me, because I know the ways you do. I don't make anything more out of those words, than what you put behind them. I imagine what we could be, but I don't imagine what isn't there. I don't know, maybe you act like this still because you want to make sure I can still handle you. You aren't as much as you think you are, not a lot to handle at all. And even if you were, you know I would just because that's how I am with you. Only you. It pisses me off how you can just piss this away, piss me away. You know what, I think it is you that causes some of my ache. And you know already know that I don't care. Because you are my favorite type of pain. My guilty pride. I'm getting better, at controlling my love for you. But if you are expecting that I will love you just as a friend, you are never going to get that. You aren't a friend of mine. You were my beginning. You are...my anchor. The one that really keeps me here. I am trying to find someone who wants to hold my strings and no one seems to want that because every time I start to be myself, the one I am with you, they get confused and they get hurt and they don't know how to toughen it out. They don't understand. They don't want. So you are stuck holding them. And it's not my fault. Sometimes I get the feeling you are reluctant to let my strings go, because you won't know where I'll end up and you're scared for me. Other times I get the feeling you just want me to let you go, let you go completely so you won't have to handle me anymore. But goddammit. You're the only one that knows how to. Perfectly. "I want you, just exactly how I used to. Because baby this is only bring me down." I get the feeling, that you are fading from me. Yet, sometimes, you will shine so fucking bright it seems silly of me to think you would leave. But you can, you should. Because I know you want to. I know you need me in your life, because you are too stubborn to see the obvious things, the important ones. The ones I point out that you have to act on. The ones you are being stupid about. I guess I put you in your place sometimes. But I don't want that to be the only reason you need me.

I day dream about you. You've heard of one of them. I dream of you, all the fucking time almost every night. Most of the time, I can only remember one small part, two if I am lucky. A whole scene if it's a blue moon. I wish I could remember the dreams, because it's the only time I get to be with you. I could tell you i love you, every minute of the day and it still wouldn't feel as if I have told you enough. And you would get so tired of it.

In the future( way way way into the future), I think it will come down to me saying "I'm done. I am done waiting around for you." And you know what I think will happen? I think you will melt into the life you molded, because really, how deep is the indention that I am? I think you will think I am hurting but that I will get over it over time. I think you will think that I might do crazy stupid shit, and then gain myself over so long of time. And you won't come back. There wouldn't be anymore of my ramblings and there wouldn't be anymore of my wack random pictures. There would be nothing, only because you were once my everything.But you know what I would want to happen? What I would be begging for, waiting for(how ironic that I would tell you I'm done waiting when waiting is all I'll ever be doing) you to come and knock on my door, to text me, to call me, to ambush me with telling me no you can't leave because you need me, you love me. It wouldn't have to be "I want you forever". But it would have to be "I need you in my life forever."

You know, you know you know you always know you already know, that I will be here, until the end of me. You just know. Because no matter how hard we wish it weren't so, it's your name that my heart pumps its beat to. It's your name that is engraved into these walls of this skull. Time has done that, what we went through done that. Because you were there, and you weren't and then you were there again and it's just been a carousel of a ride. Round and Round. with the stupid dizzying music playing in the background. You won't read this. Because you don't check my shit, my blog, or my tumblr. I bet you just check my myspace once everything 3 months. Just when you have time to kill. And you never do. You're always on the move, always somewhere different with someone else. You don't check the places I write my things on, everyday. I wish you would. It would be so much easier. Because that shows me you care as much as you say you do. Because this is where I ramble about you and you always want to know what I am thinking and how I am coping with this life of mine. Or do you? You say you do. If only you saw how much I write about you, you would see nothing in me for you, has changed. Because it can't. You're a scar that just won't heal because...god I don't even know. I don't know why I can't just jump your boat and swim somewhere else. I don't know why I can't let you go. I've tried and I've tried so hard. If you think I haven't, then fuck you. Because you're a dumbshit if you think I enjoy sitting here daily, my thoughts tumbling over your name. Everything fucking thought is disturbed by the wake of you. By the wake of these heartbeats that reverberate your name. And I don't know why it still to this day does. I have been hurt so much by you, but I think it's because you helped me smooth out all my other scars. This has been rambling too long. Until next ramble.

NewyearsEvee

In the morning my mom said that i could stay out then later on in the afternoon she said i couldn't leave and then I bitched and bitched and cried for an hour. I did not want to be home on new years! So I cried and she felt guilty and said i could go somewhere til 12 (wtf be home when the whole event of the night is happening...yeah...whatever >.>) William and Cody stole a case of liqour from a back of the liqour truck and seth and sebastien and them ran to my house with the liqour. They had: two Jack Daniel's, Peppermint Smeirnoff, Sky Vodka, and something else. I chugged the vodka twice and then went to Edmond with Justina, There, there was weed and liqour liqour liqour. So, i made some booshit. (like bullshit but with a heavy hick accent) Which is cola and vodka and ice. Mmmm *scrunches nose*. I drank that and delt with fat bitches. Two of them collapsed and passed out. Showing their thonged arses off. Fuckkk ewww. Then I got some sprite and EverClear. YUuuummMmMM. Hlaf half mix. I didn't taste the EverClear. I was sippin on that all night. So I wasn't drunk but I sooo was not sober. I came home, and crashed around one. Good start to a New Year? The next morning, I layed in bed until literally 3:30 in the afternoon. :E texted him and texted her, wishing i could text you. Then we started talking. By then I was just shitfaced off Jagermister and Dr.Pepper. Poetry writing. I'm not going to post it. He might see it. And then Seth, Sebastien and Cody came back over. Smoked a lot. And I have Some Jagermister here in a cup over here to mix with something. Tea maybe? OoOooOh. That'd be Gross. <.< So here I am, alone, posting this. Hello World.

Ramblings #2

*blowsoff keyboard, dusts off screen* wow, it's been a little while since I have posted something worth a while. This post doesn't change that fact. This winter break, my thoughts altered yet again. My dad asked me where I am going to school, if I am still going to try to go where my cousin is. I said no, just to the schools around her. I want her to go to Standford. That's both one of our dream locations. California<3 He asked me what I want to study, Philosophy I said. Scholarships won't pay for that. And I won't make money. How about business? No, I won't stay in school for that. No motivation. Josh said, do what I love he will support me. I said what If my dad is right, what if I am poor and homeless? He said I could be a teacher or a college professor and I will never be homeless. I told him I don't want to come back here, to Oklahoma. He said why. I said because I can't I won't be able to. It's because I can't seem to fit into any of the lifestyles that are here. I can't seem to have my roots in this soil, it's not comfortable. I mean I could, but my roots will be resistant and fidgety settling here. No one has a pull that I need. I want to leave here and fall in love. Lose myself. Josh says either I won't be able to leave because I am too attached to Jennah or I will come back for her. She is practically my kid. I raised her the first four years of her life, my mom won't admit it. Those were HER bad years, not my dad's. Jennah needed me, and I needed something to occupy my adult mind in my child body. It's weird, knowing I once raised my sister. That's the reason I won't able able to bring myself back once I leave, I won't be able to leave my sister and mom and everyone else behind again. William and Justina want me to stay after I graduate. Justina wants me to take her away once she graduates. I don't want to be that person for her, her escape. I want to act my escape out, on my own. I need to leave, I wrote a ten paged goodbye letter. Explaining where I will be, why I don't want anyone following me. It will be laying on my fireplace mantle in the summer of 2011 without me laying in my bed upstairs. The thing is, where will I go after? I want to just drive drive drive, find somewhere that makes my stomach flutter. See what happens with the butterflies. I want to settle in a city and work a cliche job, like at a coffee shop, or a bookstore, or a diner and make my simple small paychecks, smoke and write when I am not working. Live in a small apartment, with windows, and a balcony. But I have no money to get away in the first place. I need to start saving, saving anything I get. So I will be able to make this dream my reality. I don't want to lose this dream, it's what makes me who I am, how I all started out. I can't allow myself to stay a moment longer than necessary. I need that kind of realism to wake me up once again, to take a situation by the horns and see how much I can shake out before I become weak from using so much energy. I decided after winter break I am going to quit smoking until summer. It is becoming boring and a chore. I need to dust off my brain. I am forgetting things I would like to remember. Time does funny things. Another year is turning, like a giant beast slurring in his listless sleep. I miss my insomniac nights and my never ending thoughts. I miss the whir in my head and the pitter of my soft thoughts. These ramblings were first let out to Josh and Courtney, then I needed someone else to read these words. So it's like a strand of scarves a magician pulls out of his sleeve that doesn't end until such a long long time. This strand has run out of length though. So I am done, for now.

Today, as I sit on my bed, feeling the valleys in-between my ribs, I am thinking. That I am nurturing so I am bound to be given second mom responsibilities because I won't back out of them due to my guilt. That people will walk in and out of your life for so quick, they only stayed for a five minute visit. But other's can come over for a visit and end up staying the whole weekend. The trick is getting them to stay for a whole month. That you can miss any of those people so much. That I am so propelled by my heart, I can walk miles in the freezing cold to see someone. That I still love him, all the same. that I have two sets of mind emotions. High: well we all don't need an explanation of that. Low: when I am drowning in my illness. That I love to play music on people's heartstrings. That the quiet various with season. In the winter it has a heater humming with the piercing silence. In the summer, the piercing silence mates with the screaming locusts. That this room is quiet and I wish I could share it with somebody. It is cold when no one is here, so now I always have somebody over with me. That now, I can sit somewhere and my eyes start pouring out tears but I'm not crying. That I hate it when my limbs fall asleep.

I'm scared.

I want to die. And I don't like living like that. I hate my thoughts because they are jagged mosaic pieces. And when put together in my head, they don't make much of a pretty picture. I want to love him again and I want to be lost in him again. I want to be aware. Oh how I want to be aware again. I'm anxious to die, to just get this all over with. All of it. living failing dying. I want it now. Anticipation isn't fair. I want to stop breathing, cease. Just so I could blink and open my eyes and see something new. Feel something new. I'm shaking in the inside. I'm losing my strings that are tethering me here. I speak. I fall. I eat. I consume. I steal. I lie. I sleep. I dream. I think. I am bored with it, exhausted of it. I'm worn out. And done for. Like that vintage tshirt you push in the washer with the jeans just so it will get worn out faster, more soft. I want to die, to escape. To be released.

And the engine rattles my bum like biserk

I remember how close we became, linked mentally. I remember how raw my throat was, and how hoarse and ragged yours became. Bearing myself like that, spilling my whole silvery insides out like that- was overwhelming and exhausting. I didn't know how much I could tell someone, how much trust was there. I miss you. I am missing a part of the past, a friend, a connection. I remember that gooey grilled cheese sandwich you made me. Or the time we made cupcakes. How we cooked and explained what we were doing with Indian/British/hillbilly accents on our own cooking show. How we stayed up into the wee hours of dawn. How we would send each other links to things that arouse our bored state of mind. How we slapped those jacks till our hands were red or just too numb to play. How we sat in front of your computer, hours and hours upon end. How we dirtied your room playing dress up. How we cried together. How much we laughed together. How we came up with these grand schemes for me and you. How we pinched each other. How you scared the shit out of me and I never paid you back. How mature we grew with each other. How relaxed we were together. How we shared iPod earphones in your bed, dad's car, my dad's car. How we whispered to each other. How we fake screamed at each other. How hard we hugged each other. How alone and together we felt. How we went to the mall and rainbow ice cream. How I stole all of your candy( I still have to make that up to you). How I drew on your shoes with shakey hands because it was the last day I had with you, or so we thought. How I texted you in the night, knowing your insomniac ass would be awake too. How you would make funny noises. How you would make those faces. This is a memoir to my imprint half. I miss you.

I want; I yearn for

Forehead kisses, shared silences, whispered secrets, my name uttered on my lips, a graceful touch on my arm, intertwined fingers, a kiss on the ledge on my neck, warm cuddles, shared nights, shared blunts, smoky kisses, laughs at the moon, starlight wishes, promised gestures, gleaming eyes, butterflies, my ribs played like a piano, collar bone elegance, romantic urges, splintered smiles, a hazy gaze, smelting eyes, plonky toike toys, hushed tones, the essence of my name, a pounding heart, a quivering hand, a trembling mind, Goosebumps, wisdom, an adventurer, a knowledgeable explorer, tender hugs, entangled limbs, escalated breathing, shared shadows, shared lyrics, a lifeline, confessions, affection, intimacy, fights, inside quotations, insightful words, a delicate embrace, small gifts- like a pencil that is a reminder, fragile whispers, knotted tummies, curious tongues, puzzle piece of a body, melting smile, shaking legs, trembling hearts, rushed goodbyes, lingering see you laters, random facts, spooky moments, shared snickering, gooey text messages, displaying emotions, memories, wonderment, to be breathtaking, a finally, returns of everything, chasing, a "his" scent, a "his" hoodie, late night pickups, tumbles into bed, a reason, shared high moments, togetherness, openness, wholeness, epic, amazing, wings, glitter kisses, to be darling, simplicity, effort, feathered sleepings, shared light dozing, pick me ups, surprises, looped arms, graceful, handsome, perfect hands, guitar songs, odes, to be "his" muse, to swoon, fireworks, magic, to be delicate, sharp, my stomach to hurt from laughing so hard, wiped tears, nose kisses, butterfly kisses on every inch of my body, to be wanted, worries, time slipping by like Elmer’s glue, morning breath kisses, fragile nuzzles, to meet a merman god, a philosopher, early morning cartoons, walks, a courageous lion, a brave scarecrow, shouts to the wind, photographs, a nerdo, an oddball, a silly goose, shooting stars, tumbling in sheets, paragraphs for me, a poet, love notes, care packages, extreme hope, boundless, bundles of small flowers, intrepid fingers, grazing fingertips, a feverish tongue, dreams, a hippy, a skater, a punk, a rocker, a stoner, a lover, shared body heat, stolen glances, midnight dances, rainy kisses, retarded moments, connections, gentle words, cozy nights, lovely mumbles, campfires, smothering kisses, breathtaking kisses, lullabies, to be a muse, to be tamed, to be awakened, naked slumbers, to be weak in the knees,...