News.

I have an update to make. Well several. First; I got back with my ex. I started to really really miss him. I started to miss Josh and I started to miss Daxton and my Dad and my cousin and my past. Then I started to cry and wish I was with him. So I called him. My hands were shaking and my voice was steadier then it should have been. Second; Daxton hates me. He told me to kindly fuck off that that I am young and my mindset it juvenile and that I didn't know what I want. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! for rizzle?! Yes, he was for rizzle. But then he says that I shouldn't feel bad or anything because he was just mad because I didn't go according to plan and that he would have ended up hurting me. Knew it. Third; I am fixing things, but another thing gets broken. Josh doesn't want me to date Michael. But I want to date Michael. But I also want to listen to Josh because he knows what is best. But I always have listened to my heart (even with him, that's why I stuck in there for so long) and I can't start ignoring it now. Fourthly; I don't feel comfortable in my skin. Like it feels too big for me to fit in it. Or I am it is too small that it is stretching over me, trying to contain me. It feels like something I should shed when I shower. Fifthly; My heart has been torn, crushed, shattered, broken, wrecked so many times it has perforated lines mapping all over it for the next person in line to follow. Sixthly; I can't send text messages to my dear cousin. I have started her care package though. She is going to love it. I miss her a lot though. Maybe she should give me her number again so I can try and text her again. Seventhly; I have been writing things but I can never seem to finish them and it aggrivates me! Eightly; Josh-- I am sorry. I don't want to fuck up again, make us not talk for a long ass time. Because then I don't really know what I'd do. I love you, probably on the fine line of falling in love with you again. I am jealous of Kaitlinn and wish she never entered the picture. I am happy for you though because she makes you extremely happy and extremely comfortable with being yourself. Michael is that to me, at least for now. I think I am acting out with the things you want from me because I don't want to fall back into the loop of "well if I do what he says, maybe he will see me as the best thing and pick me finally". That's the reason I listened to you, because I wanted you to...I don't know I guess I wanted you to see me as trusting or knowing me the best. Fuck I am just guessing. I am doing anything I can get my hands on because it pushes me further away from being that girl who was in love with you. But I have been thinking about only sticking to weed, like I started with. Because you were right, I am making a crutch out of being high. I use to not want to remember. But I am starting to forget memories. Moments I had that all fluttered around you. I am scared so scared of losing you. Because it becomes more and more of a possibility. I miss making you my dependency. Sure-- It was bad, but it made me...feel secure to this life. I feel awkward and light weight, like air. Like I might just float up out of this life. It makes me wonder if that really happened, how many people would watch me float away with tears blocking their vision? I miss you Josh. Sometimes I want to call you baby or darling or my love but I can't. Because I'll look like a fool. Which is dumb, because now posting this here probably makes me look crazy. Which would once and for all will settle my case with you saying I'm crazy. Don't make me make a decision I am not ready to make. Don't make me miss someone as much as I do with you. Because then I will float away. Ninethly; remember how I said I am going to post that thing I wrote when I got high the first time? I am still working on it; like typing it out because I have to read it off my phone and...it's just a messy story. Anyways I should be up a couple of days. Keep your eye on my blog. Tenth; I got my septum pierced.

Yes, I do realize I look strange and pale. It's just the webcam I swear.

And yes, That is what I tell myself to help me sleep at night.

No, it didn't hurt as much as you would think it would. Just made my eyes water like crazy and made me sneeze. The guy who did it was super cool. He had to clean my boogers. How much more intimate could we have gotten? He was sexy, tattoos and random ass cool piercings on his face. He looked Irish and I had a dream about him. I would do him if he wasn't so old.

Fuck it; I'd do him. I think that's about it for now. I am really hungry with the munchies and I need to shower. Chio!

Home.

I got home Sunday. Here is a brief summary of my week so far. Sunday evening- Smoked twice when entered Oklahoma. Saw three ghost at the rest stop (will post something i wrote blazed on here later) Monday- Wake up, too tired from being cooked last night I couldn't wake up and go to school. So I slept and then asked my best friend Morgan to come over. She slept over Tuesday- Woke Morgan up, smoked a blunt. Went to school. So many people were like ALLLIIIAAA and made me feel all embarrassed and happy. Came back home and smoked. Then Daxton came over and smoked and watched movies with me. mmm(: kicked him out, ate a brownie, then brushed my teeth, and crashed. Wednesday- Woke up. smoked a bowl. Went to school. Got my schedule changed. Went to my bomb classes. Went to family dollar to get school supplies. Came home got stoned with my mom. And here we are folks. I promise the next thing I write will be better and funnier. My allergies are acting up and I am sneezing as I type this.

Damn Writer's Block

I think every writer despises writer's block. It sucks. I am just going to write this post by telling you guys that I officially leave this dreary dessert on Sunday back to my beautiful little home state, Oklahoma. So that means four freaking days stuck here, while my bugger of a brother gets to leave early. On Friday.

Fuck him.

I'll post something soon, love will be smothering me when I get back (:

Stars shine like miniature candles in the black abyss of the sky

The lips those boys kissed with fatigue

Like the sun, blindingly shiney.

So....I think my blog is totally fucked. Like up the arse fucked.

I feel good.

This morning I woke up feeling really good and happy. I had the song "simple life" by the weepies immediatly playing in my head once my eyelids flittered opened. And I am so listening to it now. It's such a lovely song. Anyways, back to my morning. I have no idea why I feel so good. Today was suposed to be my last day in Saudi Arabia. Yes my dear 8 readers, I am in Saudi Arabia. Why do you ask? Well, I shall tell you. My parents seperated when I was around 8 and ever since then us kids have lived with my mom. We would go back and forth to my dad's house on the weekends sometimes and the rest of our youthful days were spent with mommy dear. That is, until my dad was thrown in jail. Yep, in jail. This was around 5th grade. So after that, without a father in my life, I began to blossom and morph into what you see now...or should I say read about now?

I don't even know about this one.

The mist curls around her slender feet, trying to wake her numb body. The pulsing of the wrecked heart on her finger tips keeps her awake. Do not let go. I told him, all of them, do not let go. What do they go and do? They dropped it Stupid. It wasn’t the same when she wasn’t the one holding her heart in her own hands. She was always worried. Always anxious to have it back in her grasp. To watch the damage fall upon it, instead of only feeling it. Just keep walking, get to another sunny place. The mist continued to swirl, her light tears continued to fall. It was too foggy to see anything ahead of him. He could barely see his black and blue heart in the palm of his cupped hands. He shakes his head, Well that was a colossal waste of time. She was a colossal waste of time. He continues to march on, steady. His feet hurt, his heart begins to get cold. He breathes his life onto it, hoping it won’t freeze before he reaches someone else to give it to. The steady thrum of his thoughts continue to bang on his skull. I need something…to take this away. His feet pitter against the unseen ground. He continues to wonder where he will end up next. The mist starts to form a shape up ahead, but not around something shiny and bright like it usually does when another person comes strutting in her life. No, it was a dark shadow, walking just as slowly and carefully as she. She keeps her eyes focused on her feet, so she won’t trip and fall and lose her heart in the mist. She doesn’t see the shadowy figure walking straight in her path. Humming lullabies in attempt to hush her moaning heart. It kicks its life in her palms, reminding her of why she was walking alone. The fog has a strange affect on his eyes and the ground. It makes him feel like he is walking on air. He shields his heart against the world, keeping it tucked against his broken chest. He shuffles his feet slowly letting the sound lull him into a trace. He can’t see shit let alone hear anything…except…a tune of some sort. Great, now I am going crazy. He keeps on walking, ignoring the melody that seems to play all around him. Step one hundred and 43, step one hundred and 44. That’s when she bumps into something unexpected. “Fuck.” She cries as she feels her heart squirm out of her grasp and onto the misty covered floor. “What the shit?” someone utters. Son of a bitch, where is it, where is it. His heart seemed to jump out of his hand when he bumped into that…thing. He is on his hands and knees, crawling around and searching. Ah-ha! He holds the bloody thing in his cupped hands and breathes upon it again. Funny, he didn’t feel that tingling thing in his stomach when he does that. “Oh.” She gasps as she feels something kick against her stomach. She picks up the battered heart, looking at it from every perspective. It looked like hers, but it didn’t feel like it. “I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know anyone walked these parts.” a voice whispers. She looks up to find more than boy but not quite yet a man looking at her with a face full of boredom and hurt. “Did I hurt you?” she asks, judging by his face. Well fuck, I don’t even know his name and I seem to have hurt him. “What? Oh, no. I..well…how do you know I am hurt or whatever?” “Your face.” “Well, wow. Thanks.” “Oh god. NO! I didn’t mean it like that.” Her ears turn bright red and she looks everywhere but him, but soon settles on his face again. He smirks and that bloody mass kicks while he hears the girl gasp again. He looks puzzled and pulls it up at eye level so he could see it better. Wait…this one isn’t mine. It feels…different. “Are you alright? Are you hurt or something?” “No, it just…oh nothing. I guess I am just feeling woozy. From the collision and all. But I better get going…so yeah. Bye!” And with that she dashes off into the misty fog. He places his odd feeling heart in his pocket. That should be a much safer place in case that happens again. He walks on with even slower steps, wanting to turn around but won’t. It’s too soon. She stops and looks at the heart a little more. Fuck, I picked up his. She continues to stare at the bruises and the scars. It pumps in her hand, beating faster than a normal pace. She caresses a scar that looks a little raw and the heart jumps a little in her hand. She turns around, tucks the heart against her chest and tries to find him. Wow. He looks at all the damage this heart has accumulated. It could have been an exact replica of his but it was just a tiny shade darker than his own. This girl is even more fucked up then me. A smile plays on his lips and he feels his heart flutter off in the distance. He kisses one of the scars, she’ll never know. And turns around to find her, to return it. Mmm, there it is again. This time she doesn’t gasp. She just hugs his heart closer. There she is. He stops in front of her without a word. She doesn’t say anything as well. They at each other’s faces, but neither has any emotion masked upon it. He can see she has something glimmering behind her eyes. God, they are beautiful. He wonders what she can see in his. Then the silence is disturbed by her whisper. “This is yours, I think.” She nods towards her curled hands in front of her chest. “Yes.” He can feel his pocket pulsing at sonic speed and sees his heart thumping against her hands. They continue to look at each other, not offering the others heart back. It just feels right, the moment. It feels right where their hearts are, in the other’s possession. “Remedy.” She mutters. “Pardon?” He questions, with mysterious eyes probing her. “My name. That’s my name: Remedy.” His heart quivers against her chest. He clears his throat. “Abel.” She nods her head once. Like she set in stone and memory.“Where were you going?” “I wasn’t really sure. I usually just wander around on this path until I come across something. It may be a place or a person. But it’s always sunny and warm. Not like the path.” “Do you do this often.?” Why the heck am I sounding like a fucking psychiatrist? She laughs a jingling laugh, “Just when ever that thing in your pocket gets damaged.” “I reckon that happens a lot.” Then he suddenly feels stupid for saying that once he sees her frown and looking off in the distance. “Well, yeah.” She mumbles. “But you have the same problem.” She gestures towards his heart. He nods his head solemnly and rubs the back of his neck. “So what now?” He asks after an uncomfortable silence. “Come.” And she takes his hand. “Where will we go?” “I don’t know, but I have a feeling it will be a good place." They walk into the swallowing mist and fog with their hearts humming.