I have an update to make. Well several. First; I got back with my ex. I started to really really miss him. I started to miss Josh and I started to miss Daxton and my Dad and my cousin and my past. Then I started to cry and wish I was with him. So I called him. My hands were shaking and my voice was steadier then it should have been. Second; Daxton hates me. He told me to kindly fuck off that that I am young and my mindset it juvenile and that I didn't know what I want. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! for rizzle?! Yes, he was for rizzle. But then he says that I shouldn't feel bad or anything because he was just mad because I didn't go according to plan and that he would have ended up hurting me. Knew it. Third; I am fixing things, but another thing gets broken. Josh doesn't want me to date Michael. But I want to date Michael. But I also want to listen to Josh because he knows what is best. But I always have listened to my heart (even with him, that's why I stuck in there for so long) and I can't start ignoring it now. Fourthly; I don't feel comfortable in my skin. Like it feels too big for me to fit in it. Or I am it is too small that it is stretching over me, trying to contain me. It feels like something I should shed when I shower. Fifthly; My heart has been torn, crushed, shattered, broken, wrecked so many times it has perforated lines mapping all over it for the next person in line to follow. Sixthly; I can't send text messages to my dear cousin. I have started her care package though. She is going to love it. I miss her a lot though. Maybe she should give me her number again so I can try and text her again. Seventhly; I have been writing things but I can never seem to finish them and it aggrivates me! Eightly; Josh-- I am sorry. I don't want to fuck up again, make us not talk for a long ass time. Because then I don't really know what I'd do. I love you, probably on the fine line of falling in love with you again. I am jealous of Kaitlinn and wish she never entered the picture. I am happy for you though because she makes you extremely happy and extremely comfortable with being yourself. Michael is that to me, at least for now. I think I am acting out with the things you want from me because I don't want to fall back into the loop of "well if I do what he says, maybe he will see me as the best thing and pick me finally". That's the reason I listened to you, because I wanted you to...I don't know I guess I wanted you to see me as trusting or knowing me the best. Fuck I am just guessing. I am doing anything I can get my hands on because it pushes me further away from being that girl who was in love with you. But I have been thinking about only sticking to weed, like I started with. Because you were right, I am making a crutch out of being high. I use to not want to remember. But I am starting to forget memories. Moments I had that all fluttered around you. I am scared so scared of losing you. Because it becomes more and more of a possibility. I miss making you my dependency. Sure-- It was bad, but it made me...feel secure to this life. I feel awkward and light weight, like air. Like I might just float up out of this life. It makes me wonder if that really happened, how many people would watch me float away with tears blocking their vision? I miss you Josh. Sometimes I want to call you baby or darling or my love but I can't. Because I'll look like a fool. Which is dumb, because now posting this here probably makes me look crazy. Which would once and for all will settle my case with you saying I'm crazy. Don't make me make a decision I am not ready to make. Don't make me miss someone as much as I do with you. Because then I will float away. Ninethly; remember how I said I am going to post that thing I wrote when I got high the first time? I am still working on it; like typing it out because I have to read it off my phone and...it's just a messy story. Anyways I should be up a couple of days. Keep your eye on my blog. Tenth; I got my septum pierced.
Yes, I do realize I look strange and pale. It's just the webcam I swear.
No, it didn't hurt as much as you would think it would. Just made my eyes water like crazy and made me sneeze. The guy who did it was super cool. He had to clean my boogers. How much more intimate could we have gotten? He was sexy, tattoos and random ass cool piercings on his face. He looked Irish and I had a dream about him.
I would do him if he wasn't so old.
Fuck it; I'd do him.
I think that's about it for now. I am really hungry with the munchies and I need to shower. Chio!
1 comment:
I miss you so much it's not even funny okay. I slept over at my friend's yesterday and I had my iPod on pretty much the whole time and not really in the mood to talk. They thought I was being rude and "what, do I think I'm too good for them or something?" and all. So I was all god I miss Alia because a- we can talk about anything, or b- we can stay silent and look at the ceiling and it's not awkward, c- we can listen to music together because we like the same kind of music which is more than I can say about most my friends. I'm tearing up, so.
Change of subject:
1- SEPTUMMMMMMMMMM. I usually hate pig rings but it actually looks cool on you cousin. My friend Mona did this awesome pierce thingy in her ear that you'll love I'll send you a picture later I'm thinking of getting it.
2- Tell me 'bout Daxton. In details. In your next e-mail/fb message.
3- Is Josh giving you an ultimatum or summin? Friendship with him or relationship with Michael? Tell me 'bout that too.
4- I'm going to start your care package as well. I want to go to the mall and get the Wolverine shirt! What else do you want? I'll send you chips and stuff... I thought about other things while I was falling asleep the other day but I forgot... I should write them down.
5- ... *sigh* I really miss you
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