Just ramblings

I'll be reading on my bed or my cousins and get bored with the text so I will look up and stare out the window or at the even more boring wall. That's when my stomach twists into itself and my heart starts to boom like King Kong. I feel so fucking out of my element here in this hideous desert. There is hardly any vegetation, I'm so fucking tired of the palm trees. I miss the starry night sky, or the white fluffy summer clouds that graze ever so slowly across the hot sky. I miss the stupid yellow dandelions that litter lawns. I miss the lumps in my bed that I hate. I am so tired of this place, so tired of feeling like an alien who does not belong here at all. It's disease caked dusty skies that never show anything except a blistering sun settled into the pukey brown, gray sky. I am getting fed up of not being able to walk out of the house in whatever I am wearing if I feel like it. I am tired of not being able to stand out in the crowd, but then I remember I do because I don't look like anyone here. Too white, too open-faced and outgoing to be raised here. Being here has lead my thoughts in an array of directions. I never realized how social I was until a month ago. I realized I constantly had someone to make a small meaningless conversation with. Here, I can't text anyone, or call. Or even get online and talk. They are either in school or asleep when I am on. Coming here, I had to push pause on my life. And sure maybe it was good to do that for a while, but now I am just stuck. And lonely. I yearn for the past and the future. Anywhere but the fucking now.