And the engine rattles my bum like biserk

I remember how close we became, linked mentally. I remember how raw my throat was, and how hoarse and ragged yours became. Bearing myself like that, spilling my whole silvery insides out like that- was overwhelming and exhausting. I didn't know how much I could tell someone, how much trust was there. I miss you. I am missing a part of the past, a friend, a connection. I remember that gooey grilled cheese sandwich you made me. Or the time we made cupcakes. How we cooked and explained what we were doing with Indian/British/hillbilly accents on our own cooking show. How we stayed up into the wee hours of dawn. How we would send each other links to things that arouse our bored state of mind. How we slapped those jacks till our hands were red or just too numb to play. How we sat in front of your computer, hours and hours upon end. How we dirtied your room playing dress up. How we cried together. How much we laughed together. How we came up with these grand schemes for me and you. How we pinched each other. How you scared the shit out of me and I never paid you back. How mature we grew with each other. How relaxed we were together. How we shared iPod earphones in your bed, dad's car, my dad's car. How we whispered to each other. How we fake screamed at each other. How hard we hugged each other. How alone and together we felt. How we went to the mall and rainbow ice cream. How I stole all of your candy( I still have to make that up to you). How I drew on your shoes with shakey hands because it was the last day I had with you, or so we thought. How I texted you in the night, knowing your insomniac ass would be awake too. How you would make funny noises. How you would make those faces. This is a memoir to my imprint half. I miss you.

I want; I yearn for

Forehead kisses, shared silences, whispered secrets, my name uttered on my lips, a graceful touch on my arm, intertwined fingers, a kiss on the ledge on my neck, warm cuddles, shared nights, shared blunts, smoky kisses, laughs at the moon, starlight wishes, promised gestures, gleaming eyes, butterflies, my ribs played like a piano, collar bone elegance, romantic urges, splintered smiles, a hazy gaze, smelting eyes, plonky toike toys, hushed tones, the essence of my name, a pounding heart, a quivering hand, a trembling mind, Goosebumps, wisdom, an adventurer, a knowledgeable explorer, tender hugs, entangled limbs, escalated breathing, shared shadows, shared lyrics, a lifeline, confessions, affection, intimacy, fights, inside quotations, insightful words, a delicate embrace, small gifts- like a pencil that is a reminder, fragile whispers, knotted tummies, curious tongues, puzzle piece of a body, melting smile, shaking legs, trembling hearts, rushed goodbyes, lingering see you laters, random facts, spooky moments, shared snickering, gooey text messages, displaying emotions, memories, wonderment, to be breathtaking, a finally, returns of everything, chasing, a "his" scent, a "his" hoodie, late night pickups, tumbles into bed, a reason, shared high moments, togetherness, openness, wholeness, epic, amazing, wings, glitter kisses, to be darling, simplicity, effort, feathered sleepings, shared light dozing, pick me ups, surprises, looped arms, graceful, handsome, perfect hands, guitar songs, odes, to be "his" muse, to swoon, fireworks, magic, to be delicate, sharp, my stomach to hurt from laughing so hard, wiped tears, nose kisses, butterfly kisses on every inch of my body, to be wanted, worries, time slipping by like Elmer’s glue, morning breath kisses, fragile nuzzles, to meet a merman god, a philosopher, early morning cartoons, walks, a courageous lion, a brave scarecrow, shouts to the wind, photographs, a nerdo, an oddball, a silly goose, shooting stars, tumbling in sheets, paragraphs for me, a poet, love notes, care packages, extreme hope, boundless, bundles of small flowers, intrepid fingers, grazing fingertips, a feverish tongue, dreams, a hippy, a skater, a punk, a rocker, a stoner, a lover, shared body heat, stolen glances, midnight dances, rainy kisses, retarded moments, connections, gentle words, cozy nights, lovely mumbles, campfires, smothering kisses, breathtaking kisses, lullabies, to be a muse, to be tamed, to be awakened, naked slumbers, to be weak in the knees,...

Love is an endless ocean. I am a creature from the depths of hell's black seas. Josh's love harbors my being. The yucky beautiful grotesque being I am. I've dirtied him up, made me feel guilty so I began to search for the tiny amounts of other love puddles, drawing them nearer by making them grow. Soon it is close enough where I can reach out a little, dip in a limb. I'll let it soak, pollute it a little. Then see how the water levels and chemical balances check. Make my observations and see if it dries up. All of those little puddles and pools have dried up. So I am stuck in this harbor, rusting as I rot. This skeleton is too small for my being. Josh was big enough to anchor it. Like I was a balloon angel. His legs started to shake from the effort and then quake and then soon collapse. I flew away and he crumbled. I wasn't there to see, so I had no idea. I don't know what caused me and him to fight all those months ago, and not speak to each other. It was agony, torture. I missed him so much, I forgot about everything. Even the cause. I don't remember this time of year, a year ago; wait was it two years ago? My time perception is so off, I cannot recall. I want to have the courage to leave him. Because he wants to leave, he just won't because of the guilt. But I am so weak, so frail and withered. I want to leave him because he hurts. He hurts that I hurt. And I am in constant hurt.

But the thought of me needing him is grand. If I left josh now, I see it from his point "she told me I didn't have to speak for a while, and then she said she was on the verge of figuring it all out and then she disappeared" and really that's what would happen. That or the real deal: death. He helped me create this mutant blood that runs through these veins. He molded me. I was the artist of final touches. Without him, my heart would drive my head insane. I would end up writing my last love letter in my own red ink. (I have probably writing him over 60 love notes; he's gotten bits and pieces of it. But never all of them) I can go a day or two without talking to him. But understand this: it is so fucking hard to ignore the deep agitating banging in my skull, the want of conversation. A simple conversation. It's so hard to ignore those random thoughts that he would enjoy knowing. It's so hard to let go because I can't stop hoping for the impossible to happen. I always want what I can't have. That's why I still love him as much as I do. He is a habit. And he is the habit I can't break. The habit I don’t want to break.

Guilty nicotine high with a rubbish mood. A year and a handful of months and I am forever gone. I will run run and run, until there is nothing left of me but dusty memories. I want to see who cares enough to chase after me. I don't know what to do about the Donnie situation. I'm so tired of feeling like an awkward fairy and a weirdo alien and a freak crackhead when I speak to him. I am feeling loneliness for William. I'm also feeling afraid, of just losing Josh. I put so much delicacy in my words that they almost become too fragile for someone else to know and bear the feather light weight of them. I am caught up in the tangles of life. I'm choking because I'm claustrophobic.

I want to ask anyone at all, preferably Courtney (I also want to ask William. But he is too afraid), to catch me in their fingers, cup their hands and then intertwine their fingers so I won't get loose. Then when we both know I'm ready, morphed enough to fit in my morphed body, I'll get myself back. Fully caged in my bird's cage. Fluttering about. Comfortably fit able. Because that's how fruggle I am. Because that how much life and society crumbles. And I get all crumbly inside too. Crumbling so much I feel like a gram cracker smushed up inside a preschooler’s lunch. Or like their peanut butter jelly sandwich. Where the bread has gotten all soggy, and some parts are bleeding all over the suffocating bag. And I just am squished in every emotion and I am trying to find a way out of the suffocating bag we call life. And that's what hurts me though. Being suffocated and not being able to catch my breath. I'm stuck behind this see through layer. Watching this pitiful life go by.

I am just getting the past 3 days off my head.

Two nights ago, I got blown and past out early. 3:30 in the moning, William called em to tell me to wake up, he was a minute away. So then he calls me back and says to come outside. So I did and he is sitting there in his car (he is 15, he doesn't have a lisence) and I was like wait, We are leaving. And he said yes he didn't take the car out for nothing. So I went back upstairs and made my bed like I was in it, got my phone and keys and bounced. Around 4:15--we get pulled over. He asks William to step out of the car and he searches him. Pats him down and everything. Then he gets in the back of the cop car. I am sitting in William's car shaking for at least 30 minutes, then a second cop car pulls out. And his mom hops out, William gets out, tells me to get out of the front seat because his mom is going to take us home. So his mom get's in, looks at me and kinda laughs (wtf?) then starts to drive. She then asks me where I live and I told her. The rest of the drive was silent. William at one points leans his head back on the seat as if to say "shit. I fucked up." I felt like touching his soulder and it took everything I had not to. I finally got home, snuck back in, stole a cigarette from my mom smoked it, then crashed. I woke up the next morning so very very confused. I mean why was it my house he chose to go to? I mean he did say that he called everyone, but they fell asleep. If so, why didn't he just go home? Why was I the last resort? By the way, he is the most calmest driver ever. I was so relaxed with him driving. That is until we got pulled over, but whatever.

Today: Turkey day.

I am wearing my jamacin pants, and my super hero tshirt. My step grandma, who is 69, was like would you like to ride with me? I said yes. We got into her car and she says I have a surprise for you. And I just KNEW. She pulls out a metal tin container for bandaides and I was like "Bandaides?" And she asked me if I wanted a bandaide, I told her yes. She opens it, pulls out a twisted joint and a clear pruple lighter. We pull away and start our journey. We smoke it with my D.J.ing the radio. We finally put it out and she is telling me all these stories about her being a kid and shit. Like when she was ltitle she liked to suck on her fingers and play with "googles" (what she called boobs)...or maybe it was goggles...anyways. Then she started talking about her polish grandma and how my stepgrandma was her favorite. We were takign a route that showed old plain western Oklahoma meets urban suburbia. It was trippy but really cool. Then we got to my real grandma's house and I ate so much.

I'll post my very important post later today. Goodbye for now.

Mmm, My lovely weekend.

So, No-- My weekend wasnt crazy.

Just my Friday Night was. And it was totally worth getting grounded for.

Let us go back in time;

So--I went to some lame ass party (this is why I don't like parties) in some lame ass city and had a shot of barcardi (don't worry it wasnt captain morgan this time) and smoked a bunch. There was under 10 people at this party, and Pepe the host was very quiet. I went with Donnie, Alex( a dude) and shadow.

We bounced at 11:45 because I had to get home and it just really wasnt worth it.

Whilst at the "party", I recieve a phone call from William. This is the boy whom I have had my eye on since the first day of school. (We have hung out before, maybe 3 or 4 times) He said to call him when I get home.

So at midnight, when my mom left for her bar hopping, I called William. Hummed was out with Jacob, and Jennah was asleep. And William decided to hang out with me until his friend's stripper mom picked him up to take him to Mustang. He was asking me all night to go with him. Which I couldn't, I had to stay there with the stupid sleeping 9 year old.

Around 3 a.m. when his friend's mom never mpicked him up he calls his friend. Over and over and over. And the dude never picks up. Finally he calls the stripper mom and she tells William that her son fell asleep. So William is like what the fuck am I going to do and I'm like shit if I know. Because he couldn't go home at 3 in the morning, because his mom knew he was going to Mustang, but she found out he smokes so it was all this drama at his house. Anyways- I was just like "stay here."

So he did, We fell asleep in my bed.

Around 5- my brother and my mom bust in my room and are like uhhh what's he doing here. And I was like he needs a place to stay and then tried falling back asleep. Then my mom goes bitch psycho and calls me into my brother's room and says I need to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. So I departed from William and my warm bed.

Around 9:45 I woke up and went back upstairs.

When I opened the door, his smile, it was mine. It was for me and I was the reason. He said, thank god-- I was just about to go down there and get you. It was gay being in here alone.

And that's how I know I gotta take it slow with him. Because he is almost there, just not yet.

He ended up stealing yet another thing of mine (first it was my silver bracelet and now it's my friends black and white hoodie. I am putting my money on that my heart is next. Or maybe that was the first thing he stole.) and I ended up getting his hoodie in return. I walked him back to his house (which is just about as far as my school). Right when we settle down to a movie, my mother texts me to tell me to come home

. BOOOO. Something would have happened if I stayed. Probably me pouring my guts out. He walked me half way home and then that was the last I saw of him.

I was for real grounded when I got home up until last night when I had to pick up something ;) Also, I had three deep and heavy conversations with Courtney( my bff who lives in Hawaii and whom I have never met), Josh(the first, the only love), and Donnie(the second Josh to me). Things are just settling. I don't know whether with Josh and Donnie if it's the calm before or after the storm. So we will just wait it out and see.

Anyways, that was my weekend. It was all worth it for that one smile. I would do it all over again, just to see that smile.

Goodbye for now.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Even though it hurts, You're my favorite pain.

The creaking of the floorboards, give way to my light footsteps. The sighing of the door, squeaks out it's worry. The staircase eases under my weight, and I cringe thinking someone must wake. But no one does. I join the insomniac ghost as my thoughts start to turn. The flicker of my lighter singes the air with fragility. Time, how it rules lives. It tries the grease my life so I'll fly through it quick. But I am already too slick. I get to watch how the bells make the animals skitter, how watches brand the wearer. My bare skin alters every day so quickly, that I barely have the time to notice. I need to fall in love. Where my every thought consists of something else other than him. I want someone's thoughts to occur in the wake of my name. I want to feel the fire of one's touch, and the coolness of their absence. My faith in others is starting to break, who must I try to keep. Who must I throw away. How easy it is for me to dismiss people yet miss their features when I am alone. Already one lone boy can look at me and my stomach quakes. Horse shoes would weigh me down instead of letting my fly. My heart is an absent lover, one whose beats I took for granted. It's those shadows in the dark, those creases in the night, those that make you doubt what's there and what is not. Maybe it's those rusty good-byes that always flake away to reveal a shining hello. Or maybe it's those imaginary smiles that kiss these leaking eyes. A valley in the center of my chest pulses an alive symbol. Thump thump bump, never speak of how I tremble. Pump pump blood, light my insides up with kerosene. Glimmer like a slick newborn struggling to breathe, aren't you just the same? My sloppy tongue will tell a tale of broken remedies and a haunted city. Sleep does not come easy for a restless soul. Nightmares are the thoughts and the daydreams are the samples. What counts? Surely not I, as much as I fail to notice. A sugary high, more like hokus pokus. Rambles, rable, ramblings let me taint your mind. Grab a handful of fevers, throw them to the seas. Run far far away, you've done enough good deeds. These words, you mean these that I strung together like a pearly necklace, these ones? They will all turn to sand, all turn to stone, all turn to dust, all turn to ash. Like the memories in your head, like your brain in a century. This is all for nothing, but to you it's everything.

Crown Me Your Queen

Just like a child that has tied a letter to a balloon and let it fly to the moon, I let my heart out of its cage. I let it flutter to whoever it may see fit, and I can feel it as it grazes their own. Why is it so wrong for me to chain myself to you? Because it's too right for you. I walk with slight caution, like the ground beneath will swallow me whole. This life was never mine, it is whomever wants it. I'll kick and claw and sink my teeth into random people, but spit out their bitter skin because it tastes nothing like your sweet lies. My fumbling tongue fails to ensure any pleasure that I might be able to endure. My electric heart pumps at a rate that is too dangerous to ignore. Listen to my hundred and one secrets: give into this round about game. Speak my name into the crisp night air while laying in that lonely bed of yours. I must stop; but that would mean to die. I swore, I cursed, I cried your name. This slight probability projects a city made of water in my eyes. Candle light splinters the heavy cracked glass. Go gloat in your pity, wallow in doubt. I'm tired of waiting and my voice is too weak to shout. I'm still here I'm still here, god damn it just burry me with it. Might as well when every word you speak is a salt covered bullet.

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Generation X;

Oh, How the world is crumbling beneath our very feet. How this generation is taking acid so it will wither away faster. Generation X is taking the world by surprise and fear. We rebel against our peers but now we bond with our parents. We shy away from touch but will beat any prickhole into a bloody pulp. The people in Generation X are so unique...just like everyone fucking else in it.

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Moondust(:

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