A shout out to the world.

You know what's amazing to do? Get blown and then listen to the beatles. I am the walrus is the best. And my second favorite is here comes the sun. Because I remember it from the parent trap with lindsay lohan. And that movie made my heart sing. Dude lindsay lohan. That poor girl. I would be like her if I was her. She probably thinks like me. She has had so much plastic surgery. Fainting from mixing pills and drinks. It makes me so sad to think of her. Anyways, the beatles make me feel so happy. I might trip acid and shrooms soon<3 I will keep yall updated on that. Life is pretty wack right now, but whatever. Things with josh are just fucked up. He almost walked out on me again. And I told him if he does then he shouldn't even ever think of my name again and he decided to stay because im a sucker for pain and he won't look out for me. See, he thought me being hurt because I couldn't call him mine was much worse than the death of me inside if he left. So he was saying I would eventually get over it if he left me, I would end up hating him if we continued to talk. And I said no! I would never get over needing you. I may love you but I know you're not it for me. Then he said fine he'll stay because i'm a sucker for pain. I hate people even more, no one makes an effort. I hardly ever talk at school because there is no need to converse with animals. My teachers are dumb. And I think I might fail history this year. I am obbsessed with the song "if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet" and "the silence" by mayday parade. And also "jesus christ" by brand new. These are the days I feel just a teeny better. When the freezing cold is screaming through the cracks in my window and the cold of my room is inviting. It's funny, how the cold that settles on my bones feels more intimate then the caress of a boy in love with me. I can have any friend of mine over and still have trouble sleeping. I'll sit on my bed alone in the near pitch black room and feel lonely, but knowing the one person who could cure it will never be around here. I'll sleep on nearly the edge of the bed so that the one who carries my burdenful existence will have enough room to climb in behind me and drape his arm around me; I even sleep in vain. The cloud of my breath evaporates into the October skies and my freezing finger tips twitch to be touched. The fog makes love to the streets and sends their off spring out into the world. The rain kisses the ground and spreads across it like the seas. The growl of passing cars and the screech of ambulances put my thoughts in a trance. My memories become so old they rot away into another reality, like translucent dreams. My insomniac heartbeat pulses a whole different beat, then the soft hum it plays during the day. How reluctantly do I slide closer and closer to you, but breathing a little easier once I close the gaps. Withered lies form on my tongue only to be blown in ignorant fools' faces. A tiny silver ribbon is wrapped around my finger for a reminder of why I am still living this blasted life of mine. One that cuts my skin and is also a reminder of why my eyes cry and my heart weeps. My nights spent wide awake are filled with so many yawns they make my eyes water; sometimes i'll wipe them away quick enough where it won't set off a ripple effect in my tear glands. Other times i'll let it glide down my cheek and look at the pattern the splash of it makes on my folded legs. The last time I remember feeling like this was these types of nights, cold and hard. It's just the same, so I know how to behave. Same pilot. Crash landing over and over. The same again and again.

Dear Diary,

So I did not go to school today. I stayed up until 3 because my insomnia kicked in because I ran out of weed. I hardly ate yesterday because I can never eat while I'm sober. I constantly feel sick when I'm sober. Yeah, Alia's cool. Not. Anyways. Lets rewind two weeks ago. I can't remember time and everything but I do know it was over the course of 2 weeks. So, let us take a journey. Daxton came over to my house and we smoked and smoked and smoked. And we went to Taco Bell and ate. And he kissed me. Twice. I didn't feel shit. I mean I kissed back because I wanted to be kissed because it's been too damn long. Anyways--He had this weird tweak whenever he was a little sobered up. If he had his head bent down, whenever he put his head back up he would like flip his hair out of his eyes. But here's the thing: He had short ass fucking hair. Like normal boys have. There was never ever a time when his short ass hair was in his eyes. He was so feminine at times, he could have been gay. He talked really odd. But it was the hair flip thing that really bothered me. Towards the end of that week I really started to miss Michael & Josh & Daxton. I would start crying randomly and then suddenly stop. My heart was all achy for Michael and I was missing his touch. At school, one boy caught my eye. He has that cute ass scene boy hair I love and he has his septum pierced and has snake bites. *drools* I am a fucking sucker for scene/hippy boys. I ended up missing Michael really really bad so I texted his mom. I ended up getting his house phone number and calling him. You already know where this ended up: we got back together. I had to call Daxton and tell him. I told him that he shouldn't stop talking to me and he said okay and hung up. He texted me right after and said "yeah I lied. I will probably stop talking to you." Well geeze, go figure. But still! I told him when he kissed me I didn't feel anything, that we were too compatible and I saw that he would end up hurting me. Then he goes psycho and says that's retarded and that I don't know what I want and that I have a juvenile mindset. Wtf? Really? Wow. Then once I didn't reply to his psychicing out, he texts me saying "don't feel bad or sad though. I am just mad that you didn't go according to plan. You're right; I would have ended up hurting you." And that was the end of Daxton. It was that hair flip thing that really got to me, that really was like Alia, he is a no. So last weekend, I get to see Michael. Me and Morgan go with him to the mall (along with his mom and his older brother) on Friday. I was higher than a mother fucking kite, so I was annoying his older brother who really didn't understand I am like a newborn pothead. I talk my head off and I laugh at everything. But Michael and Mama Bear (what I call his mom) understood so they weren't that mad...at least I think. Anyways, we end up going to Jerimiah's. It's Michael's best friend and that's usually the place where I went to get fucked upp. All afternoon was grand because everyone was smoking and having a good time. Then evening time rolls around. And all hell breaks loose. They end up buying a bottle of Bacardi (some kind of rum) and Michael ends up getting a Xanax. He is pissed one minute and depressed the next. He keeps pulling me to the side and "wanting to talk" but I am really the one doing the talking because he can't get what he wants to say out. I take a shot of Bacardi because I never tried it and I end up puking. Twice. Oh how joyful THAT was. I end up asking him what does he want to do with his life? He said he wants a family and be successful and actually have a life. I told him that doesn't sound appealing to me, that I have a different definition of Life than he does. And he freaks and says then I guess this isn't going to work then. I was so tired of dealing with his bullshit all night so I said no I guess not. So I tell Jerimiah let's go because it is way past the time I should be home. My mom wasn't there, she was out bar hopping because that's the stage she is in now and Hummed and Jennah were left alone at home. Jerimiah is all kinds of wasted so I say let's wait a while. Him and his girlfriend start fighting because she doesn't want him driving at all unless she goes with him. He doesn't weant her to go because there is only room for three people. He ends up ripping a fucking door off it's hinges and has another door hanging off one hinge. Michael has to end up holding him back. Me and Morgan go wait out in the truck. Michael comes out three times to "talk to me one last time." I told him I can't be around this kind of environment anymore. It was okay six months ago when it was normal for me to be fucking around, screwing up getting shitfaced and dumb. But now I can't because that's not what I am anymore. I changed, I evolved. It wasn't appealing anymore. If I stayed around all that, I would end up killing myself. And that was the truth because I am a manic depressive. He said he wasn't going to be around that kind of shit anymore. That he was going to leave it all behind, everyone behind. I asked if he wanted me to stick by him and he said yes. I was like No, I can't be that person for you. I can't be that ONE who was there for everything. You have to learn to stand on your own. When you do that come talk to me. And he was like BUT I LOVE YOU and I said sometimes that's just not enough. He ends up going biserk. Yelling, screaming outside. Hitting shit. And me and Morgan were like Yeah, you are totally helping your case. Jerimiah ends up coming out to the truck and forgot his cigarettes so he had to go look for them. It ends up taking him a million years so I told Morgan wait here, Ima go find him. I find Jerimiah and tell him he can buy cigarettes at the 7 eleven by my house and that sounded fine enough to him. We start walking out and Michael has his head down and he was like dude, just tell her I love her. Jerimiah shakes his head and pats Michael on the shoulder and we walk out. I never had a problem with Jerimiah and I wasn't scared of him driving or anything, even with the door issue. So me, him and Morgan drive in silence to my house and it was okay. No one wanted to talk, no one had to say anything. When we were around my house I told Jerimiah what I told Michael. I couldn't be around anymore, I'd end up killing myself. And he totally understood. That's the thing, I am going to miss that guy. He was a good friend of mine even though were barely knew each other. Me and Morgan go inside, and just crash. Well she does. Josh ends up IMing me, and I tell him everything. Michael calls me twice. The first time he was like have you seen my necklace and I told him I saw it on Jerimiah last and we hang up. Then 10 minutes later, I say good night to Josh and Michael calls me again. He said he was calling because he had no one to talk to because everyone was asleep. I told him I was just turning over to sleep and he said oh okay and I hung up. I turned my phone on silent and eat dream dust. Saturday morning we end up waking up hella early. As in 9:30. We were like FUCK! What's wrong with us. I check my phone and I had two miss calls. Guess from who? Yes, Michael. I listen to the voice mail he left me (at 5:20 am) and he tells me his mom was in a car wreck and he needed someone to talk to and if I could call him back. I didn't believe it so I didn't call him back. Even if she really was, he needed to deal with that on his own. What I was trying to tell him all the night before. We walk to 7 eleven and go get coffee. Guess who we see at a stoplight? Yes, Michael in his mom's van with his MOM driving. (remember the voice mail he left me?). His mom honks and I think it's the car next to them (I still haven't noticed them) and then Michael yells out his window "go to your house" and I finally noticed them. I was like fuck! and my tummy went all pschitzo. They drive to my house and once I get there, I don't even go up to their car. I yell "I'll be back" and go inside. I come back out with his hat, necklace and his gauge and hand it over. He gives me my hat. Then he gets in the car and I was like "Bye Mama Bear." and she said bye and they drive off. My life is amazing, isn't it?

Well,

It seems I have lost a follower. Poop. Just as I was staring to think I was good and interesting. My friend came over yesterday and we smoked (of course). But that's not really what I am wanting to talk about. What I want to ramble on about today would be... ...*drum roll*

Life.

She and I were talking about how life goes on. Life doesn't wait for you at all. How it goes by too fast, how little you have to show for it. How little memories you conduct over your lifetime. How small they are, and how much they mean to you. How fast childhood goes by with you wishing you were older, how teenage years are so fucking confusing and too emotional you wish you could just sleep forever. I wish we could have a memory from every single day we lived. So, today I thought, I am going to do that. I will take a picture of something or write something down or draw every single day and document it. So soon I will have a plethora of tangible memories. I did that today, in Algebra 2. But the paper slipped out of my back pocket. And I really hope no one finds it because it has my current crushes name written on it. But it doesn't have mine. But still. I guess my blog could help me document the big stuff, so part of me remembering my Life is done. Another friend of mine were talking about how old/young we feel. We don't feel as old as juniors, going to graduate next year (hopefully with my stoner ass) but we don't feel as young as freshmen. Like we are stuck. I am growing up, my views are changing. I am changing. My body looks weird to me, my face looks...I don't know. Older. I am excited for "adulthood". You know, moving out on your own, doing your own shit. I am not ready to grow up, but I am ready to just...grow. I am not a child, but my heart is so young and bruised. And come to think of it, I actually like it that way. My little sister said something really...thought provoking to me the other day. She told me a story that she made while me and her were in the kitchen. It was something along the lines of: There was a newborn baby and an old old old wise woman. The wise woman asked the newborn if they wanted an easy or hard life. And the newborn said "Let me think about it." So the old wise woman let the newborn think about it. The newborn took its time, its whole life in fact. When the newborn was all grown and withered away, resting on its death bed the old wise woman came to visit it. The not so newborn finally answered the old wise woman with "I want an easy Life." The old wise woman sat there for a moment, and finally said. "Too late now." And with that the old withered away newborn died. My sister is 9, remember? It's incredible that she came up with this. If you think about it, it can give you so much insight. Why sit there day after day thinking things over that could have gone this way, or should have when you should just accept it and live?

News.

I have an update to make. Well several. First; I got back with my ex. I started to really really miss him. I started to miss Josh and I started to miss Daxton and my Dad and my cousin and my past. Then I started to cry and wish I was with him. So I called him. My hands were shaking and my voice was steadier then it should have been. Second; Daxton hates me. He told me to kindly fuck off that that I am young and my mindset it juvenile and that I didn't know what I want. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! for rizzle?! Yes, he was for rizzle. But then he says that I shouldn't feel bad or anything because he was just mad because I didn't go according to plan and that he would have ended up hurting me. Knew it. Third; I am fixing things, but another thing gets broken. Josh doesn't want me to date Michael. But I want to date Michael. But I also want to listen to Josh because he knows what is best. But I always have listened to my heart (even with him, that's why I stuck in there for so long) and I can't start ignoring it now. Fourthly; I don't feel comfortable in my skin. Like it feels too big for me to fit in it. Or I am it is too small that it is stretching over me, trying to contain me. It feels like something I should shed when I shower. Fifthly; My heart has been torn, crushed, shattered, broken, wrecked so many times it has perforated lines mapping all over it for the next person in line to follow. Sixthly; I can't send text messages to my dear cousin. I have started her care package though. She is going to love it. I miss her a lot though. Maybe she should give me her number again so I can try and text her again. Seventhly; I have been writing things but I can never seem to finish them and it aggrivates me! Eightly; Josh-- I am sorry. I don't want to fuck up again, make us not talk for a long ass time. Because then I don't really know what I'd do. I love you, probably on the fine line of falling in love with you again. I am jealous of Kaitlinn and wish she never entered the picture. I am happy for you though because she makes you extremely happy and extremely comfortable with being yourself. Michael is that to me, at least for now. I think I am acting out with the things you want from me because I don't want to fall back into the loop of "well if I do what he says, maybe he will see me as the best thing and pick me finally". That's the reason I listened to you, because I wanted you to...I don't know I guess I wanted you to see me as trusting or knowing me the best. Fuck I am just guessing. I am doing anything I can get my hands on because it pushes me further away from being that girl who was in love with you. But I have been thinking about only sticking to weed, like I started with. Because you were right, I am making a crutch out of being high. I use to not want to remember. But I am starting to forget memories. Moments I had that all fluttered around you. I am scared so scared of losing you. Because it becomes more and more of a possibility. I miss making you my dependency. Sure-- It was bad, but it made me...feel secure to this life. I feel awkward and light weight, like air. Like I might just float up out of this life. It makes me wonder if that really happened, how many people would watch me float away with tears blocking their vision? I miss you Josh. Sometimes I want to call you baby or darling or my love but I can't. Because I'll look like a fool. Which is dumb, because now posting this here probably makes me look crazy. Which would once and for all will settle my case with you saying I'm crazy. Don't make me make a decision I am not ready to make. Don't make me miss someone as much as I do with you. Because then I will float away. Ninethly; remember how I said I am going to post that thing I wrote when I got high the first time? I am still working on it; like typing it out because I have to read it off my phone and...it's just a messy story. Anyways I should be up a couple of days. Keep your eye on my blog. Tenth; I got my septum pierced.

Yes, I do realize I look strange and pale. It's just the webcam I swear.

And yes, That is what I tell myself to help me sleep at night.

No, it didn't hurt as much as you would think it would. Just made my eyes water like crazy and made me sneeze. The guy who did it was super cool. He had to clean my boogers. How much more intimate could we have gotten? He was sexy, tattoos and random ass cool piercings on his face. He looked Irish and I had a dream about him. I would do him if he wasn't so old.

Fuck it; I'd do him. I think that's about it for now. I am really hungry with the munchies and I need to shower. Chio!

Home.

I got home Sunday. Here is a brief summary of my week so far. Sunday evening- Smoked twice when entered Oklahoma. Saw three ghost at the rest stop (will post something i wrote blazed on here later) Monday- Wake up, too tired from being cooked last night I couldn't wake up and go to school. So I slept and then asked my best friend Morgan to come over. She slept over Tuesday- Woke Morgan up, smoked a blunt. Went to school. So many people were like ALLLIIIAAA and made me feel all embarrassed and happy. Came back home and smoked. Then Daxton came over and smoked and watched movies with me. mmm(: kicked him out, ate a brownie, then brushed my teeth, and crashed. Wednesday- Woke up. smoked a bowl. Went to school. Got my schedule changed. Went to my bomb classes. Went to family dollar to get school supplies. Came home got stoned with my mom. And here we are folks. I promise the next thing I write will be better and funnier. My allergies are acting up and I am sneezing as I type this.

Damn Writer's Block

I think every writer despises writer's block. It sucks. I am just going to write this post by telling you guys that I officially leave this dreary dessert on Sunday back to my beautiful little home state, Oklahoma. So that means four freaking days stuck here, while my bugger of a brother gets to leave early. On Friday.

Fuck him.

I'll post something soon, love will be smothering me when I get back (:

Stars shine like miniature candles in the black abyss of the sky

The lips those boys kissed with fatigue